The other night I had an anti-Jose Boydman rally at my house(you might better know Jose by his alias name… CHRISTIAN BALE). We had a terrific night, burning copies of Batman Begins and watching various other Batman movies. We even ordered pizza and drank at least three cans of Coca Cola! The night was going just as planned… that is until Jose had to show up and spoil the party. He knocked on my door, but while wearing a mask, so I stupidly let him in thinking that it was Quentin Tarantino. It wasn’t Quentin Tarantino, it was Jose! Jose Boydman! He ripped his mask off and revealed himself as the evil genius that he truly is. He grabbed a bucket of water and threw it on the burning pile of Batman Begins DVDs we had ablaze, and then he started laughing. He was laughing so much and for so long that a few people left without him even noticing. Lucky people, they got to safety, they didn’t have to witness Jose’s evil plot…
Jose slowly walked towards me, slowly pulling something out of his pocket, and slowly opening his mouth to form very slow sounding words. Then I realized, he wasn’t walking towards me, he was headed for my television! I tried my hardest to stop him, but he was talking so slowly that I got confused and went in the other room to get another slice of pizza. He took the copy of Batman Returns that I had borrowed from Blake and threw it against the wall, breaking it into 14 pieces. These 14 pieces, he said, represented his hatred for Michael Keaton. His pure and utter hatred for Michael Keaton turned Jose Boydman into the madman he is. He blackened his soul, and became Christian Bale, determined to rid the world of the memories of Michael Keaton as Batman. Jose was angry at me because I had caught on to the fact that he wasn’t actually Christian Bale, and he was angry because I hadn’t kept my word. I told him I would keep his secret as long as he stopped making horrible movies. Alas, neither one of us are good at keeping our word.
Jose then started mocking our judicial system, claiming that the judicial system in the UK was a lot better. Their judicial system is more of a Jude-icial system, meaning that all they do all day is sit around, drink tea, and watch Jude Law movies. “That is appauling! Worse than watching Batman Begins! Don’t do this to us, Jose!” I yelled, but it was too late. Jose had made his way to the DVD player, and put in a copy of Alfie. The movie was so horrible, that I had to literally burn out my eyes with a blow torch just so I could survive to tell this tale. There I sat, crying(sort of) in agony, just as someone kicked the door down. A mirage of smoke came flying through the door, along with a tall dark handsome man who kicked Jose’s ass! After he kicked Jose’s ass, he also kicked Jose in his stomach. He took out a gun and we all thought that this mysterious stranger was going to shoot Jose. We cheered! But this stranger had something else in mind… He shot the TV so we didn’t have to watch that stupid Jude Law movie anymore, and then proceeded to forcibly insert the DVD into Jose’s rectum. Jose was screaming in pain, the pain of the DVD in his ass, the pain of having his ass and stomach kicked, the pain of everyone finding out who he really is and knowing that his next Batman movie was going to bomb at the boxoffices.
We sat in awe of the mysterious stranger, and asked him to take his Christian Bale mask off. After a few hours of sitting there staring at all of us, he finally revealed his true identity… it was Quentin Tarantino! He saved the day! After he revealed himself, he insisted that we watched My Little Pony reruns with him, which we all did(except for me because I had burnt my eyes out of my head). We gave him the rest of our pizza and he flew away into the night, never to be seen again.
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