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Time:01:47 pm
The other night I had an anti-Jose Boydman rally at my house(you might better know Jose by his alias name… CHRISTIAN BALE). We had a terrific night, burning copies of Batman Begins and watching various other Batman movies. We even ordered pizza and drank at least three cans of Coca Cola! The night was going just as planned… that is until Jose had to show up and spoil the party. He knocked on my door, but while wearing a mask, so I stupidly let him in thinking that it was Quentin Tarantino. It wasn’t Quentin Tarantino, it was Jose! Jose Boydman! He ripped his mask off and revealed himself as the evil genius that he truly is. He grabbed a bucket of water and threw it on the burning pile of Batman Begins DVDs we had ablaze, and then he started laughing. He was laughing so much and for so long that a few people left without him even noticing. Lucky people, they got to safety, they didn’t have to witness Jose’s evil plot…

Jose slowly walked towards me, slowly pulling something out of his pocket, and slowly opening his mouth to form very slow sounding words. Then I realized, he wasn’t walking towards me, he was headed for my television! I tried my hardest to stop him, but he was talking so slowly that I got confused and went in the other room to get another slice of pizza. He took the copy of Batman Returns that I had borrowed from Blake and threw it against the wall, breaking it into 14 pieces. These 14 pieces, he said, represented his hatred for Michael Keaton. His pure and utter hatred for Michael Keaton turned Jose Boydman into the madman he is. He blackened his soul, and became Christian Bale, determined to rid the world of the memories of Michael Keaton as Batman. Jose was angry at me because I had caught on to the fact that he wasn’t actually Christian Bale, and he was angry because I hadn’t kept my word. I told him I would keep his secret as long as he stopped making horrible movies. Alas, neither one of us are good at keeping our word.

Jose then started mocking our judicial system, claiming that the judicial system in the UK was a lot better. Their judicial system is more of a Jude-icial system, meaning that all they do all day is sit around, drink tea, and watch Jude Law movies. “That is appauling! Worse than watching Batman Begins! Don’t do this to us, Jose!” I yelled, but it was too late. Jose had made his way to the DVD player, and put in a copy of Alfie. The movie was so horrible, that I had to literally burn out my eyes with a blow torch just so I could survive to tell this tale. There I sat, crying(sort of) in agony, just as someone kicked the door down. A mirage of smoke came flying through the door, along with a tall dark handsome man who kicked Jose’s ass! After he kicked Jose’s ass, he also kicked Jose in his stomach. He took out a gun and we all thought that this mysterious stranger was going to shoot Jose. We cheered! But this stranger had something else in mind… He shot the TV so we didn’t have to watch that stupid Jude Law movie anymore, and then proceeded to forcibly insert the DVD into Jose’s rectum. Jose was screaming in pain, the pain of the DVD in his ass, the pain of having his ass and stomach kicked, the pain of everyone finding out who he really is and knowing that his next Batman movie was going to bomb at the boxoffices.

We sat in awe of the mysterious stranger, and asked him to take his Christian Bale mask off. After a few hours of sitting there staring at all of us, he finally revealed his true identity… it was Quentin Tarantino! He saved the day! After he revealed himself, he insisted that we watched My Little Pony reruns with him, which we all did(except for me because I had burnt my eyes out of my head). We gave him the rest of our pizza and he flew away into the night, never to be seen again.
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Subject:Snowy California
Time:03:34 pm
One day in the middle of summer, it started to snow. Not only did it start to snow, it was literally -82 degrees outside. Being that I live in California, I don’t own a coat, not even a jacket. Hell, all I wear are shorts, belly shirts, and flip flops! So I started to feel kind of cold. I wasn’t sure how to get un-cold, so I called my doctor. He said I needed a prescription for a coat.

I went to Wal-greens to get a prescription for a coat but they just laughed at me. This hurt my feelings, so I took a dump in the card aisle. I stood outside, shivering, and staring at the snow. Lucky snow, it probably doesn’t feel cold at all. Then it came to be! I thought to myself, “Hey Mikey, you can just cover yourself up in the snow to stay warm! It’s like a blanket!” Bad idea. I no longer have toes.

I kept trying to think of what Magnum P.I. would do, since he’s the most brilliant man on earth and has a hairy chest. Then it hit me, like a sack of bricks hitting my sack of balls. He would wear a fur coat! But again, I live in California, where everything’s fake. And fake fur just wasn’t going to cut it. I decided to hunt for fur. I started at home, and tried to talk ChiChi into giving me some of his fur. When he refused, I tried to shave his fur off. After ChiChi bit me, Blake told me you have to KILL the animal, and then skin it. I couldn’t kill ChiChi, he’s just too cute! Plus, he bit me. And that hurt, and I want to give him a time-out for biting me. And he can’t sit in time-out if he’s dead.

So I looked in the phone book to find a place that has animals, and I find some wild life preserve a few miles down the road. Perfect, I thought to myself. I ventured forth to the bus stop where I waited until the next bus came by. I told him to drop me off by the wild life preserve, but he said he was going to Denver, so I had to walk. Whatta jerk!! I finally got to the wild life preserve, and killed a bald eagle, a bear, a moose, and an elephant. While I was getting my knives ready to skin the moose(I wanted to start with the moose because it was staring at me, and that bothered me), the park ranger came up crying. I guess that the bear had stolen his pic-a-nic basket because he told me that I couldn’t skin the animals and that he was going to call the police.

I had one option left: kill a wooly mammoth. Only problem is they’re kind of hard to find. Luckily, the Taco Bell City zoo had a few! I ventured forth again, only this time to the zoo, with my bow and arrows in hand. The wooly mammoths were busy being showered, so I had to kill the guards who were showering the wooly mammoths. I decided to steal the fur from wooly mammoth number 3, who’s name was Sarny. Sarny was very tall, and hungry, and furry, and black, and brown, and old, and cranky, and snotty, and… WARM! I made small-talk with Sarny so he wouldn’t see that I was killing him. I used a chainsaw to skin Sarny, then raised Sarny from the dead so that we could go to a pool hall later that week(see, while making small talk Sarny and I became friends, and we made a date to go play pool on Thursday). By the time that I finally got Sarny’s sweetass fur wrapped loosely around my hot sexy naked body, the snow had melted and California was now under a head advisory. So I went swimming, in my new fur bathing suit.
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Time:05:37 pm
Here in California, where time comes before everyone else's time, we celebrated St. Patrick's Day yesterday. We first went to a fish fry, where we drank tons and tons of beer with Dr. Longbottom. Grandma passed out while giving Dr. Longbottom a blow job. And by a blow job, I mean she was blowing on his bible, which is his job. Then, on to the parking lot, where we drank a bottle of scotch, 15 beers each, and some schnapps. We were starting to feel tired, and Blake really wanted to puke, but I told him if he puked I would make him drink his alcohol-filled puke and then puke it up again and make him drink it AGAIN, only that time out of a green mug. We went down to this pub in Saint Whale's Vagina and drank another 20 beers each, only this time they were green and Blake DID puke, finished off the bottle of whiskey that we were drinking on our way to the bar, and sang jewish songs at the top of our lungs. The bar tender kicked us out because he told us that it was St. Patrick's Day, not St. Jewish Day. After we left and came back to New Port, we hung out outside of the Taco Bell drinking even more beer while eating tacos that were deep fried in beer. On our way home, we were out of beer, schnapps, scotch, and whiskey, so we drank a couple bottles of rubbing alcohol. Finally, we got home, and at a super late hour of noon yesterday. I have no idea where grandma is. And I have no idea where Blake is. And I have no idea where my wallet is. And I have no idea where my liver is.
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Time:11:48 pm
Tonight I decided to call Narcotics Anonymous, because I ran out of milk and needed some comfort. I wrote down the conversation.

NA: Narcotics Anonymous, this is Tony.
Mikey: Hey Tony, it’s me again. Mikey Linus Costello.
NA: Um. I don’t think we’ve talked before. What can I help you with tonight Michael?
Mikey: (silence for a few minutes) Oh, you must have been referring to me. Mikey Linus Costello.
NA: Sorry, Mikey.
Mikey: Mikey Linus Costello.
NA: OK, Mikey Linus Costello.
Mikey: Yes Tony?
NA: (confused) What?
Mikey: What did you want?
NA: Sir, did you need to talk to someone about your drug problems?
Mikey: No, I need some comfort. I’m out of milk and am craving it oh so badly.
NA: And milk would be slang for…
Mikey: For milk, sweet sweet two percent milk. I just… love to get the milk and put it in my mouth, and swallow it down my throat. It’s like ecstasy!
NA: (confused) Um. OK.
Mikey: I mean, damnit Ron, if I could I would take a syringe and inject that milk straight into my veins, I would! That would really hit the spot.
NA: Listen, Mikey…
Mikey: Mikey Linus Costello.
NA: Mikey Linus Costello, I’m…
Mikey: Look Todd, what I’m really calling about is… do you know a place that I could score some milk at this hour?
NA: You mean at 4pm?
Mikey: Yes.
NA: (sighs) Look Mikey…
Mikey: Mikey Li…
NA: Mikey Linus Costello! Jesus Christ!! Just answer me this, man… what is “milk” slang for?
Mikey: Boob juice from cows? Damnit Dan, this is getting nowhere! I just need my fucking milk fix!
NA: Mikey Linus Costello, I think you have a serious drug problem, and should seriously consider…
Mikey: LOOK MAN, I JUST NEED SOME. Wait. Drugs? No no no John, you have me all wrong. I ran out of milk this morning because I was eating cereal and wanted 4 bowls, but only had enough milk for 3 bowls, and now I want to make some banana bread! John?
NA: (dial tone)
Mikey: I’ll miss you Betty!
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Subject:YOU NEED Mikey Linus Costello.
Time:10:00 am
ATTENTION HIRING PEOPLE OF (insert company name):

Hello to you. I would tip my hat, but this is a letter, hence there will be no hat tipping. I am Mikey Linus Costello and YOU NEED Mikey Linus Costello. Why? Well, there are only a million reasons! But let's just start with 14 reasons.

1. I am never on time to work, but this is a good thing! What if a terrorist blew up (insert company name) and everyone died? If I would have been there on time, I would have died too! Luckily, Mikey Linus Costello comes to the rescue by waiting until around 12 noon to come to work when originally scheduled for 9AM. I would single-handedly run the operation and bring much success to (insert company name). Everyone would cheer for me and call me a hero, and you there at (insert company name) would be forced to give me a promotion. And if you don't I'll probably quit because that's seriously not cool.

2. I've only been sued for sexual harassment three times. Now I know how bad that sounds, but you should have seen how many people I ACTUALLY sexually harass! Like, at least 40! You see, I'm such a smooth talker that I can talk my way out of most law suits filed against me and into the prosecuting lawyers pants. This is why you need me to be your lawyer, (insert company name), I would defend you until I couldn't defend anymore and I would then give up and go out for some lunch. But I'm not a lawyer, so please don't try to hire me as one. You can hire me as a detective though, because that would be pretty freakin' sweet!

d. I shower at least once a month, because personal hygiene is important to me.

4. I hate children. I hate how they smell and the way they laugh and how they try to be all cute but they're actually not. This is good because it means that I do not want to have children, which means I will not need to take time off because of my children, which means I can work a lot for (insert company name) and get tons of money and eventually have YOUR job. Assuming I get the interview, that is.

5. I fart, often. Silent but deadly.

6. I am a model employee. I will bring in a briefcase, wear a suit and tie, and have many pictures of my loved ones framed on my desk. The reason I will have so many is because my past time is clipping pictures out of the newspaper, framing them, and claiming they are my loved ones. I have at least 30 some odd framed works, mostly women from the Victoria's Secret catalogs that come in the newspapers on Sunday.

12. I really love boobs, so that means I won't be homosexual and rub up against other mens' balls. Some guy did that to me once, so I punched him in the face. It was my dad and it wasn't my balls, it was my shoulder, but I still punched him in the face. By the way, if anyone at (insert company name) tries to rub up against my balls, I'll punch them in the face.

8. I no longer need assistance while taking a poop.

9. I take on-the-clock naps after lunch, usually for the remainder of the day. This helps me to stay awake later at night(usually drinking and partying and having unprotected sex with women and watching porn and playing stick ball), which in turn helps me to sleep in till 11:30AM, which in turn helps me come in to work super late. Which will someday save (insert company name), refer back to reason one.

My salary expectations: weekly, please give me 12 thousand dollars in a canvas sack that has a dollar sign on it.
My availability: I can work Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, 9AMish to 3PMish.
My references: TuPac, Grandma, Al Gore, and Marvin Gaye.

Personal Information:
Mikey Linus Costello; D.O.B. 7/3/19**; SSN-4920i02000288122w7
Job 1: Taco Bell in Taco Bell, California
Job 2: CIA Agent in Washington, DC
Job 3: Mexican slave owner/belly dancer in Taco Bell, California

Please consider me as an addition to (insert company name)'s already shining staff. I'll be anxiously awaiting your reply by telegram.

Thank you,
Mikey Linus Costello
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Time:12:36 am
Sometimes at night, I cry. And sometimes at night while I'm crying I have night terrors about Paris Hilton touching me when I sleep. And sometimes at night while I'm crying and having night terrors, I let out massive farts. And sometimes at night while I'm crying and having night terrors and massively farting, I resurrect the dead. And sometimes at night while I'm crying and having night terrors and massively farting and resurrecting the dead, I chronically masturbate while thinking about Blake and grandma together.

Hey Blake and grandma!!
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Time:06:55 pm
In Russia, there is no water. At least not the water that we Americans/African Americans know of... they pump vodka(aka "Russian Water") into their pipes. They clean with Russian water, they drink Russian water, they bathe in Russian water. They cook with it!! It's crazy!

They also are the people who invented claymation. You see, claymation isn't actually what you think it is, it's just videotaped Russians. That's right, they're that scary looking. They look like they're made of clay and drink nothing but vodka.

This is why the Russian suicide rate is so high.
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Subject:Last night fun.
Time:12:26 pm
Last night, Blake and I were hanging out in our livingroom and my brother Noturdurm decided to come over. We were eating bananas and apples, and when we were finished we didn't know where to put the garbage, because we were all so lazy. So we decided to throw it out the front window. The bananas went smoothly, so we told Noturdurm to throw his apples, but make sure to look if anyone's coming! He looked, he threw the first apple, someone saw him. He threw the second and it hit the car of the people watching us throw. He started laughing and closed the window, and we occasionally peeked out to see if the people were still looking up at us. They were! Then they knocked on the door, apple in hand, and asked if it was ours. Noturdurm got upset and threw it back at them, then decided to bite at their ankles. He did this because we didn't have a dog that we could train to do the same thing.

What a fun night!
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Time:03:19 pm
Let me tell you guys about my step-grandma.

Yes that's right, my grandparents are no longer together, they divorced and my grandpa remarried. Her name is Gurtie, and she's a mean person. One time, she tried to feed me tuna. Later that day, she had a heat stroke. When we went to see her in the hospital, she had breathing tubes up her nose and the room smelled pretty bad. I was only four years old at the time, so I had no idea what those tubes were, I assumed they were feeding tubes, and if they weren't then I would be scared. She ended up rolling herself off of her hospital bed and we found out why it smelled so bad. Because she had crapped all over the hospital bed.

You see, grandma Gurtie was old, and fat and lazy, and had some problems making it to the bathroom in time. So what she had was this metal chair she'd keep in her livingroom that had a built-in bucket. She would use that instead of even trying to make it to the bathroom. And if she was out in public, she would just pray to God that no one would notice(because she's too poor for diapers). Once when I was visiting her when I was 10, I woke up and went into the livingroom. She was in there singing along because she was watching Babes in Toyland, only every once in awhile she'd have to pause and grunt. It's because she was pooping. She was pooping in the livingroom while watching Babes in Toyland.

The other night I was on the phone with my mom, who told me she talked to grandma Gurtie a few months ago. I was honestly shocked that she hadn't died. She has bad kidneys, and a bad liver, and she has diabetes, and she's fat, and she can't poop in the bathroom. I assumed that her kidneys must have failed while she was watching TV in the livingroom and she was laying on the floor covered in shit complaining because she needed some sugar.
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Time:01:42 am
I like:
-cake and ice cream
-eating cake and ice cream
-eating cake and ice cream together
-creaming over cake and ice cream
-creaming my pants over cake and ice cream
-creaming my pants
-washing my pants
-eating cream and ice cake
-getting some ice cream and cake and mixing it up in a blender
-forgetting to put the lid on the blender and having it make a mess
-blaming grandma so Blake doesn't get mad about the cake/ice cream mess
-waiting till no one's watching and licking up the cake/ice cream mess
-catching frogs
-bringing a blender full of cake and ice cream to the beach and trying to sell it
-having no luck at selling my combination of blended cake and ice cream
-getting mad and accidently spilling my cake and ice cream combination on passersby
-getting arrested for spilling my cake and ice cream combination on passersby
-offering the arresting officer some of my blended cake and ice cream combination
-being asked if I'm mentally handicapped
-being taken into the hospital for a psychiatric examination
-eating cake and ice cream while waiting in the hospital lobby
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[icon] Mikey Linus Costello's Gournal
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